Sunday, May 16, 2010

This is hard...

Upon the urging of a very good friend...I come to you bearing honesty.

I'm stuck.  In a very hard place right now.  I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm lost.  I don't have the desire to read, watch TV, to leave the house or even go to church.  I'm tired of putting on a wig and a smile.  I don't quite understand how I got to this point.  Maybe it's because I've given into this disease.  I don't want to be here.  I want to be the happy, chipper, strong Moni.  Not this weak, sad, tired person I've been as of late.

This is hard for me to come to you with this.  It's much easier to not write in this journal than to tell you the truth.  But as my friend said, "how are we gonna help you if we don't know how to help?"  So with that I decided to be honest.

Could you please pray about these things for me?  I need strength, desire, to push on these last few weeks of this chemotherapy.  This road is long but as another friend told me that in the big picture this is just a short time.  Why does it always feel like it will take forever whenever you're in the midst of trials?  I know there are people worse off than me but that thought doesn't seem to help me.  I don't like to think that there are people worse off than me.

Another thing I worry about is my kids.  They see me upset, crying.  I want to be their strong, good mom.  The one that can get up in the morning and make their lunches without feeling like it's a lot of work.  I am thankful that school is almost out -- the morning rush is really draining right now.

It was so nice having Papa here (and later Monika, my stepmom).  Looking back even that makes me feel a little guilty, I spent a lot of time not feeling well.  Definitely not feeling myself.  I know Papa was here for me to help me, to take care of me -- I just wish the memory of this recent trip could have been a happier one.

Honesty like this is not easy.  My blogs have been truthful, funny, happy ones and now this.

I am still able to look at the blessings that I have.  I have an amazing husband, amazing children, amazing family and amazing friends.  I just need a little boost right now.  Please pray for me to get through this phase.

After all these months, thank you for still showing interest in me and my journey.  I know you are still lifting up prayers for me I just hope that now I have given you some specific things to pray about.

I'd really like to be able to pray again.  My prayers have become stagnant.  Pray for my prayers.

Pray for me to gain interest again in reading, even watching a movie.  Pray for my mornings to be filled with joy again that I have been blessed to sleep another night and wake up with life and the privilege of serving my family.

With tears streaming down my face I thank you.  You mean more to me than you know.

God bless you!

Love and Blessings from the top of my heart,


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